I’m sitting in the breakfast nook of the Holiday Park Hotel in Lamai Beach, Koh Samui at the moment, drinking coffee and talking to you, while there are 21 braver-than-I-am souls currently on their way to a school, whose name I can’t pronounce, in order to teach a (large) group of children to speak English. At the moment I can’t really remember ever being happier.
Pure relief is highly addictive…
Some of you may know that Ty and I are currently in Thailand. We’re into the third week of four and we are doing a TEFL course and trying to establish if we really really would like to move here for a while. Correction: Ty is doing a TEFL course. On Monday evening I tended my resignation for this course which I paid way too much money for because honestly – I just could not deal! (As a quick side note: Ty seems to be enjoying it and has said he can see himself doing this one day if we decide to still move here so at least there’s that! He’s on his own though!)
For the last ten months I have been so lost in preparing for this trip that not once did a very pertinent question did not occur to me: What if I hate it?
And I do. I hate it so much that not doing it right now has been the most insane source of happiness. I almost feel bad for the others because they are all having a miserable time of it as well (something which the course administrators seem to find baffling…ok then….) but my guilt is most definitely being overshadowed by relief.
I know this is going to sound crazy, but in a big way I feel kind of proud of myself for quitting. Go ahead: judge away if you must. But the thing is – six months ago I might not have been able to step back and go “Sorry folks, I made a mistake, this is not for me and I don’t want to do it.” I would have forced myself to power through. There would have been more tears (and boy were there tears!) and more stress and I would have gotten to the end of it all at the expense of my sanity – something which I have worked hard to restore lately! – and I had to give myself the gift of saying “for me, this is not worth it”.
I put an overwhelming amount of money into this. We’ve had an absolutely terrible year of high anxiety, low spare income – all sorts of rubbish. But that is all past. Money is only money. I’m sorry for wasting money on this course but I am not sorry for pulling out. If nothing else, I certainly learned that teaching English as a foreign language is most definitely not something I will ever do.
And of course there’s a little voice in my head that keeps going “The reason you hate this is because you keep trying to find not writing things to do when instead you should be figuring out how to make a living by writing.”
Stupid little bullying voice. She’s always right. Which is probably why I never bloody listen to her!