I’m missing Thailand. Have you ever felt like you were homesick, even though you were already home? I get that feeling sometimes. A little bit displaced. Frustrated. Like I’m supposed to be somewhere else, but there is no where else to be. I’m not missing a person…all my people are here. It’s a strange feeling.
But I’m missing Thailand. I cried when I left, knowing that I was leaving behind something that I loved. I’ve always wanted to go to Thailand. That “always” thing tricks you though….and it usually ends up disappointing you. My trip didn’t though. IT was better than I imagined. And I still feel sad that I am not still there.
I have literally not felt this way about a place since 2001 when the family I was au pairing for drove through a little town in Maine called Bar Horbor. We did not stop. We just drove through. I remember calling my boyfriend at the time and telling him that I wanted to move to Bar Harbor in Maine. He promised that we would as soon as he was finished with college because he had also always wanted to live there. He then proceeded to tell me about all that I had missed by driving through Bar Harbor instead of stopping to visit. He thought it was the perfect place for me to live, and I told him that if we could live there I would stay in the States, but that I did not want to be anywhere else. He agreed. Of course that never happened because we broke up and I went home, but the fantasy was nice for a while. And I still think about that place all the time.
Isn’t it funny the way that works? Sometimes instinctual attraction is so powerful that you don’t need time to make decisions. You don’t need to figure out if you love something, or even someone. You just know. Immediately and without question. It has happened to me three times in love. Twice it has happened with regards to vocation. And now twice in choosing where my soul actively wants to be. There is something so primal in this kind of knowing. It almost feels safe.
I’m thinking of moving to Thailand. For real – not just “wouldn’t it be nice?”. Maybe not forever, but definitely for a while – with the option of forever. I don’t want to just be a tourist. I want to experience other countries properly. I want to show my son more than just here. I want him to see all those things that I fell in love with. I want him to experience the pure kindness that buzzes through the souls of the Thai people.
Now I just have to figure out how to make this work. Teaching English over there would be pretty straightforward and easy. And I can obviously just keep on doing a bit of writing work here and there. A friend pointed out the other day that he had considered doing something like that, but feared there would be nothing to come back to when he was done. A legitimate concern I think, but…I don’t think it’s a big enough one for me. I seem to have gotten this far by floating around aimlessly….might as well just carry on this way.
As long as I am never stuck in a job that I hate, watching the clock and waiting for the time to pass so that I can be anywhere but there I’ll be happy.
And for now? For now I am going to have to learn to cope with this extreme feeling of disconnection. And figure out how to pass the time until I can pull this all together.
I will write. And plan. And save. But the decision is there which means that at the end of all the time there is something that I dearly want.
My poor husband. He just has to jump on board.
Now if you’ll excuse me I think I need to go and make a checklist…