I’m missing Thailand. Have you ever felt like you were homesick, even though you were already home? I get that feeling sometimes. A little bit displaced. Frustrated. Like I’m supposed to be somewhere else, but there is no where else to be. I’m not missing a person…all my people are here. It’s a strange feeling. (more…)
I’m struggling to be home. Perhaps this is a ridiculous observation, but it has already been five days since I got back from Thailand and I am still trying to escape or downplay the suffocating mantra playing in my head: I’m sick of here.
I think I’m a pretty patriotic person. I get annoyed often when people piss off overseas to “escape” South Africa. You shouldn’t go somewhere to get away from somewhere else. If you want to go somewhere it should be because “there” is where you want to be, and not because “here” is where you don’t want to be. Does that make sense?
Except that I’m struggling with “here” now. I haven’t really before. Ok, I lie. I have once before. When I was 18. I am now 31. I should be a bit less crisis-sy. And yet all I want to do is pack away my life and piss off because I am so mind-numbingly over the proverbial rat race that I could scream. The holiday I took was supposed to fix that, but instead it seems to have simply accentuated it.
I think I’m tired of living in this Westernized world where everything seems to be about pressure. Pressure to have the right kind of job and make the right kind of money and drive a decent car and buy a house and have fancy gadgets and blah blah blah blah blah.
I met the coolest guy just over a week ago. Do you know what he does for a living? He hops on a boat and takes people to Phi Phi Island every day. Do you know what happens there? Nothing. You eat. You drink. You swim. You catch a tan. You snorkel. You do nothing. It’s fucking awesome. This man has the best job in the world. Every single day he gets to experience happiness. Because all that nothing comes with a fuckton of happiness that none of all this other shit we aspire to brings. He makes people happy. He gives people the experience of a lifetime. Every. Single. Day.
And what do we aspire to? Go to school. Go to college. Get a good job. Make lots of money.
Fuck that ideal. It’s stupid.
I wrote a Bucket List a little while ago. I know Bucket Lists are supposed to be a “before you die” thing but I think that’s dumb. I nearly said “no” to this trip. In fact I did at first. It seemed too overwhelming. Too expensive. Too “unplanned”. My brother and my folks qualified for a Herbalife holiday to Phuket and my brother asked me to be his “plus one”. Dreamy! I just need spending money and money for a ticket. Even so little seemed impossible. But somehow I did it. Which brings me back to the “before you die” part. Lately I have been asking myself why we continuously put the things we want off. Not everyone does that. I do. And then ten years later I wake up and go “But I wanted to do that! Why didn’t I?”
When I get home I am going to cross Thailand off of my Bucket List. And then I am going to add many many more items to the list. And I am going to start doing them…
For now though I have 15 days of amazing ahead of me. Thailand has been my Number One country to visit for as long as I can remember.
And you know what? Making it happen wasn’t that big a deal! Even when strange unforeseen circumstances hit and I fell apart, it STILL turned out ok.
Say what you want about God, or religion, or faith. I believe that there is a force out there that wants good things for all of us. And I believe that as soon as you take a step towards the things that you want (instead of merely staying in once place and wishing) an entire Universe starts to conspire in your favour to give you those things.
A part of me is sad to leave my husband and my baby sister and my baby behind. But leaving the opportunity behind would have been even more sad!
By this time next week I will be on a plane. Well… I think I’ll be on a plane… I should really check the flight times… But yes… Sometime next Monday I will be on a plane to Thailand and at this point it could seriously not come soon enough. All I want to do right now is dig into my cupboard and start packing. No idea what to take really. I’m thinking an empty suitcase with plenty of space for souvenirs. Also my sanity. I should pack my sanity and try to glue it back together again with a bit of wine once I’m settled on the plane. Yes. Let’s do that…